Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee, I have made considerable progress on my first assignment. A few weeks ago, Comedian Rush Limbaugh said on the air that we wished to see President Obama "fail." He elaborated upon this, shouting into his microphone that "liberalism is the problem" and that he wanted Obama's liberal policies to "fail."
The DCCC pounced on these remarks, attacking Rush for his audacity to wish failure upon an American president, especially in these trying times. Seeking to fire up its base and raise some post-election funds, the DCCC launched an online petition and marketing campaign on which anti-Limbaugh Democrats could share their disdain for the comedian by posting comments.
Not to be outflanked, Limbaugh ordered his "Dittoheads" to flood the DCCC petition website with pro-Rush comments. What resulted was a...curious...intersection of our fellow citizens' opinions.
So as the Online Comm. and DM (direct marketing, for those unfamiliar with the lingooo) intern, one of my first tasks was sorting through the nearly 13,000 comments left on the petition and weed out the Rush supporters so that we can use the contact information of the real Democrats for future ad campaigns.
I'm currently on comment # 3,001. Dems are winning this one over the Dittoheads by a slight margin of 52-48.
Here are some gems that I've collected for your reading pleasure. The names of the commenters have been removed to protect those with too much time.
The Blisteringly Racist Skinhead Awards:
"I barrack hussein osama promise to kick america to the curb, for i was born to fail!me and my corrupt bros and hos from ACORN will rape america and all it stands for,then me and my holes hillary and pelosi will celebrate by smokin a rock the size of my ears!!!!"
"I absolutely love Rush Limbaugh. I think he is wonderful. I think he should be president. He is so much more compentent than that nigger Obama
Please send this to Rush Limbaugh. Thank you sooooooo much."
Yup. These people still exist.
The Beautiful Simplicity Award:
"Rush, you suck."
The Paranoid Socialism-Phobia Award:
"Right on Rush! May Barakarl Marx Hussein Obama fail miserably in implementing his socialist, big government power grab!"
"Get 'em Rush! Call it like it is!! You libs just love that government intervention don't you!? Socialism and government control FAILS miserably every time it is tried! Wake up, just 'cause your guy won doesn't mean capitalism and freedom are dead. Be ready for a loooong bloody "battle" if you keep it up! Any republican worth having will fight you tooth & nail!"
The number of comments denouncing Mao Obama and Comrades Pelosi and Reid's socialist agenda were numerous and vitriolic in the extreme. There remain convinced a great many Americans that our president is a closet Commie. This notion is ridiculous. Chairman Obama is our Great Liberator.
The Market-Based Rationality Award:
"Why don't you launch a boycott of his advertisers instead of wasting time on this worthless online petition? I quit shopping at Home Depot and I will never ever buy an Oreck vacuum. I don't need natural male enhancement, I don't need vocabulary improvement CDs, I don't need weight loss remedies, and I don't need hair restoration snake oil, so I won't be buying any of those anyway. Hey, I guess the only people who listen to Rush are fat, bald, stuttering limpdicks -- or maybe the advertisers just want Rush to buy their stuff! Ha!!"
"You are making the guy richer because now everyone is taking about him -a private citizen."
The Righteous Indignance Award:
"We're a free country where you can say whatever you want, but this is about the integrity of what you say and what you do. The same republicans who would call some Americans "real Americans" are the ones who define hypocrisy. when it conveniently supports a republicans argument they quickly embrace the same tone as people who they previously categorized as "treasonists" and "un-patriotic" when speaking against Bush. It's been two weeks with Obama in office; there is no reason to hope someone fails before they even get a chance. That is unless your motives are dishonest, underhanded, and sly."
The Fulfillment of My Intern Duties Awards:
"Let's see if this one gets through. I love Rush. Rush for President 2012!!!"
(It didn't. You're welcome).
You Go, Rush. I'm on your side. Love your show. Gee, I wonder if you'll get this?
(He won't. You're welcome).
The Angry Asian Award:
"Here's four words for you Limbaugh, 'Kiss my Asian ASS!'"
THE FIERY ALL-CAPS MULTIPLE EXCLAMATION POINTS AWARD!!!
(also nominated for Best Presidential Pseudonym):
"YOU(DCC)[sic], ARE EVIL DISTORTIONIST LIARS. TAKING QUOTES OUT OF CONTEXT TO MAKE RUSH APPEAR TO SAY SOMETHING HE DIDN'T. HE WANTS OBAMA'S SOCIALIST AGENDA TO FAIL!! IN THAT LIGHT, I PRAY YOU AND THE DEMS FAIL ALSO!!!
I SUPPORT RUSH! YOU BLOODY SOCIALISTS ARE THE ENEMY OF AMERICA! YOU LIED, YOU TOOK A SHORT SOUND BIT OUT OF HIS STATEMENT WHICH DOES NOT SAY HE WANTS HUSAN OBBOMBA TO FAIL.. HE WANTS THE SOCIALISTS POLICIES OF HUSAN BOMBBA TO FAIL! ONCE AGAIN.... I SUPPORT RUSH.. AND WILL NOW BE PLACING A SIZABLE CHECK IN THE MAIL TO THE SARA PALIN NEW PAC... SHAME ON YOU.. YOU LIEING PIECE OF "OBBOMBA..."
Somewhere above the lower 48, a governor winked.
The Unoriginal Not-So-Subtle Prescription Drug Reference Award:
"Dear Rush, Get back on your meds. Quick."
Good one, pal. You and the other 1,000 people who made a clever drug-related quip.
The FIERY Unoriginal ALL-CAPS Not-So-Subtle Prescription Drug Reference Award:
"I REALLY BELEIVE THAT RUSH LIMBAUGH HAS MENTAL PROBLEMS HE NEED TO DEAL WITH (MAYBE BECAUSE OF ALL THE DRUGS)"
"I THINK YOU ARE AN ANNOYING PILL POPPER"
THE FIERY ALL-CAPS ULTRACONSERVATIVE AWARD:
"RUSH LIMBAUGH IS THE VOICE OF THE PEOPLE. HE EDUCATES AND SPEAKS THE TRUTH. I DO NOT BELIEVE IN ABORTION, INFANTICIDE, SOCIALISM, A TAX EVADING TREASURY SECRETARY, DISRESPECT OF THE MILITARY, WEAK SECURITY, CODDLING OF ANY TERRORIST. I DO BELIEVE IN FREEDOM OF SPEECH AND ALONG WITH RUSH, I HOPE AND PRAY OBAMA'S INTERNATIONAL BABY KILLING, SOCIALIST PROGRAMS FAIL."
THE FIERY ALL-CAPS DELUSION AWARD:
"MAYBE YOU SHOULD WORRY ABOUT A TERRORIST COMING TO YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD AFTER OBAMA RELEASE THEM FROM GITMO."
THE FIERY ALL-CAPS SARCASTIC FASCIST AWARD:
"LIMBAUGH IS A RIGHT WING DISSENTER WHO HAS VIOLATED THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED NATIONS AND DOES NOT DESERVE TO SPEAK TO BARAK HUSSEIN OBAMA OUR DEAR LEADER. LONG LIVE THE KING, LONG LIVE THE KING, ALL HAIL KING OBAMA."
The Non-Committal Award
(also nominated for Beautiful Simplicity Award):
"I am mixed in my reaction."
The Fat Joke Routine Award (LOL):
"Hey Rush, you're obese. I'll bet you have high blood pressure and diabetes and high cholesterol. Maybe a bit of arteriosclerosis, heh? I suspect you sweat a lot too. Maybe you're too hot all the time? You keep picking up the front of your shirt. Is that because it is sticking to the sweat?"
The Completely Out-of-Touch New Yorker Award, presented by the Honorable Adam S. Beck of Pennsylvania:
"We need work. We don't need to give money to ACORN! Who put that in. I'm sure Presidnet Obama would not want to promote fraudulent voting. And Sec Clinton is the most upstanding Secretary of State that ever lived. She would be against this. Maybe she can speak to Caroline Kennedy when this comes to a vote in the Senate and tell her to vote against it. This is not CHANGE this is FRAUD! Fraud is what is in this bill. Please tell Charles Schmumer that Caroline Kennedy would not want money going to sex ed. She is a mother. She knows better. Stop this bill. Hurry. Stop it tonite."
Um. I don't know if you heard but...ah forget it. I don't have the heart to shatter this Kennedy-loving New Yorker's fantasy.
The Uber Creepy Pious Priest Award:
"Doth thou not profess to be a stellar Christian? Perhaps revisiting the Sermon on the Mount and the Ten Commandments are in order; as thou hast forgotten the Golden Rule."
I bet after he wrote that, he sat back and upright in his chair, pushed up his nose, and nodded in satisfaction. A "stellar Christian?"
The Voice of Reason Award:
"The Democratic Party has the unique opportunity of controlling Congress and the Presidency. They have at least two years to do what they wish to show the American people where they really stand. You can either look to the future or you can pick cat fights and blame your problems on others. Our country is more important than these cheap political stunts."
"Oh, for Heaven's sake. THIS is what you're doing with your time. RL is a blowhard and only "right" is listening to him. Stop campaigning and get to work solving our most pressing problems."
But what these rational individuals do not understand is that while the premise behind the ad campaign is silly, it's still an ad campaign, and it works. When people get angry, they give money. It's a simple formula, really. But it seems a far cry from the change in the political tone in this country that we voted for, no? Bummers.
The Pragmatic Patriot Award:
"Any citizen of the United States of America should support their country, and therefore their country's elected officials. I am a republican and voted for McCain, but I hope Obama does well in office for the benefit of all current and future Americans."
The McCarthy Awards:
"Limbaugh should be charged with treason."
"fire this man for his anit-American thoughts."
"Treason is a crime punishable by death by hanging."
"Criticizing the president during wartime is an act of treason and should be punished as such".
Hmm. Really? The last time I checked there's something called the First Amendment and I'm pretty sure wishing failure upon an elected official is protected under it. Wishing bodily harm, not so much. I have literally read hundreds of comments by people expressing the same sentiment; that somehow Rush's comment was "treasonous." That's scares me. Distasteful? Yes. Pathetic? Definitely. Un-American? Treasonous? Definitely not. To deny an American citizen from his guaranteed rights, that my friends is treasonous. That is an anti-American thought.
The Sage Wisdom Award:
"The one that screams the loudest is usually the one who's drowning."
"An old man once told me never to argue with a fool because if a stranger walks by he won't know which of you is the fool."
"Empty cans rattle the loudest."
That's all for now. I wish I could've posted them all. I'll get back to work on Wednesday, dipping my sieve into the muddied waters of American political discourse and sifting through the yield.
One Nation, Under God.