Friday, July 30, 2010

I'd Like To Turn Her Pages

Take off this dust jacket and put it on anything you read (which is this book or the Bible).

I am not kidding: I want her so. fucking. bad.

Look at the bracelet. Look at it. Now back at her. Mmph. If she communicated only in whispers (as opposed to...), I'd have moved to Wasilla and gone rogue in her pants.

Step into the rain:

Monday, July 26, 2010

Andy Rooney Is A Socialist Who Watches Porn At Night

Shame on ALL OF YOU, what with you wanting everything and stopping at nothing to get it while poor, brave Andy Rooney denies the simple pleasures of a woman!  Watch as he recounts his harrowing story of being forced by demonic tree-elves to stuff his old saggy face with LSD-laced chocolate chip cookies while the camera man he usually employs to tell him where he is caught the entire episode on tape! If only we had PILLS to desire that will tell our brains not to desire! Well someone should tell this kind talking pile of wood he need not fear, as Obama's "health care reform" is already funding the development of such magic medicine that will soon be disseminated into the water supply in order to sap the desires and unhealthy bourgeois motivations of all and finally create a Maoist utopia! Andy Rooney dreams. And watches "stuff" on the late night teevee that he's not "interested in." Sort of like America vis a vis Andy Rooney.

Hat tip: Warming Glow

Video does not embed in Facebook.

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Friday, July 23, 2010

Shepard Is My Shepherd

RDs, it's a scary fucking world right now. The economy is broked, Lilo now has to get her drugs in prison, and Obama just forced everybody without a job into prostitution. Oh and his Agriculture Secretary is in the KKK, or something.

But fear not folks, because when I feel a paranoid schizophrenic panic attack coming on, I just pop some Dilaudid and turn on Fox News, where anchor Shepard Smith continues to voice the clarion call of reason in these whackadoodle times.

Via Politico:

"We on Studio B did not run [the abbreviated context-free video of Shirley Sherrod apparently being a bigoted bastard cuntface before actually being like, the total opposite of that] and did not reference the story in any way for many reasons,” Smith said. “Among them: We didn't know who shot it, we didn't know when it was shot, we didn't know the context of the statement, and because the history of the videos on the site where it was posted. In short-we did not and do not trust the source"

SNAP. Shep just took a big righteous steaming SHIT on Andrew Breitbart's stupid toilet face! Post a pic of THAT on Big Government you knucklefucking hackjob!

"Why am I such a festering, kinda British-looking douchenozzle?"

But that Smith actually performed his job according to the standards his industry once revered comes as no surprise to me. Shep has always been the only redeeming attribute of the "news" organization he is currently employed with.

What's truly fucking frightening is that Shepard Smith of Studio B on Fox News Channel is now, after this fauxsaga, the best journalist in America. Read that again. He's even better than Rachel Maddow, and that dude's won awards!

Lest you think the "conservative media" is going soft (gay), crawl up the ass and enter the mind of one Mr. Rush Limbaugh, who will have NONE of this Breitbart bus-throwing-under pussyfest.

"Even Fox caved on this," said the radio man after taking three Dilaudid. "Even poor old Shep Smith went down there and said that everybody's wrong on this, that Breitbart is wrong and so forth." AND SO FORTH!

"There are only a handful of us that have the guts to put this story straight [editor's note: NOT GAY]. If we don't hammer back, nobody will. We got a bunch of cowards in the conservative media inside the Beltway which will not deal with this honestly."

"This is about the continuing smearing of great patriotic Americans which is all the left has left to do," Limbaugh declared. "There's no racism in the Tea Party. They don't have racist signs."

Luckily, all the folks who were watching Fox News immediately turned off the teevee and switched on their radio macheens when Shepard took a liberal cumshot to the chest and refused to play the Sherrod tape so Jeff in Ohio could think of his next clever "not racist just true" sign (something like "SHIRLEY YOUR KIDDING???" with picture of Holocaust victims and "Typical White Person" written underneath. I'm good, no?). So America is saved? Not so fast and so forth!

"This [presumably, Obama] regime is tribalizing this country," Rush went on. "We aren't Americans anymore. We're all members of different racial tribes, and we are to be pitted against each other: Black Americans, White Americans, Asian Americans, Hispanic Americans. We're all being divided up racially, by tribes."

Which is of course to say Obama is an African. See? Even Rush out of context is Rush, unabridged.

Step into the rain:

Friday, July 16, 2010

Team Carte

More original artwork because I'm inspired, this time by the newest, mintiest, deliciousiest member of Congress. World, meet Senator Carte Goodwin, D-Hottnesss:

Carte Goodwin, Senator D-Hottness

Mmmmm me wants me a piece of that in the cloak room. He can filibuster my pork barrel, that devil. Major props to Governor Joe Manchin of West Virginia for replacing such a stud like Byrd with a worthy sex toy with an appropriately unique and endearing newsanchor name. Seriously the last thing I needed was another distracting senator-on-senator (s-o-s) flame fantasy in which two sparkling new beautifully bronzed supermen of the people team up to write awesome bills and save the country in a pickup truck while suppressing the gaylove coursing through their elixir blood for me that eventually leads them to battle fiercely in a forest, each vying to drink my nectar and rebirth me as their own kind. Do I go with the shirtless wolfman Massacutie or the dreamy, perfect, mysterious, bloodlusting immortal mountaineer? Ughhh why must I choooose????

Step into the rain:

Friday, July 9, 2010

We Are All Cleveland

My artsy dedication to the king of sellouts:


Did these guys make a "pact" in China? Fuck. that. To quote a great American, I hope he fails.

Go Cavs. Own your team, lift your city, win a ring before this royal jackass can find his perfect condo in South Beach.  To think, we all wanted to love him so badly.

This blog post is brought to you by Vitamin Water.

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Thursday, July 8, 2010

Piece Be With You

In quaint Louisiana, counties are called "parishes" and donuts (or "doughnuts" if you're a fake American) are "beignets" and pelicans are known as "oil ducks." Similarly, the proud people of the Gulf have for generations referred to prayer as "shootin' oil ducks with Jeebus." Up until now this charming, ancestral expression was but a metaphor for a profound acquaintance with the Almighty. Bobby fucking Jindal does not understand believe in metaphors. So he made a law that says now you can hide your guns under your gut when you go to church, or as they say in the bayou, "on the way to the MacDonalds." This was done evidently so that when the holographic smoke spirit of Satan inevitably infiltrates God's home base to cocksuck the souls out of the living and voodoo them into zombie socialists, this guy will be fucking ready.

But do not fret unarmed worshipers. Although the identities of these highly trained veterans of the Bible Brigade must remain undisclosed, pastors/head of religious institutions (but let's be serious there's like one Rabbi south of Shreveport) must inform the huddled, hitherto defenseless masses in the pews that an armed "security force" is on duty detailing the perimeter for any a'dem illegals. The bill's intention is to protect "houses of worship" in "declining neighborhoods" (or: full of black people) from "thieves and muggers" who apparently could not be stopped through worshiping in the first place SOME MESSIAH YOU GOT THERE LOSERS.

Already, gun-hating libtards have begun pelting burning effigies of Jindal with tar balls while shouting some nonsense about religion equating to non-violence and peace and love towards your fellow man and that an instrument of war which yields death ought not be presented before the ultimate purveyor of Life and Death yada yada whatever muslins deserve hot death. But that's Bobby fucking Jindal for ya, putting the piece in beati pacifici. Until Obama sues him.

Step into the rain: