Friday, December 31, 2010

Young Blood



I caught this song recently while indulging in my going on six month love affair with XM radio in my car (they were supposed to turn off my free subscription after 90 days, SHHHH).

The opening bell (dulcimer?) riff, a motif carried through the rest of the track, sounds somehow appropriate for the holidays.  The blast of energy that comes with the drum track kick will make your blood cells hop in joyous dance. Then comes the vocal melody, anthemic and carbonated, speaking so earnestly that knowing the lyrics, a triumph on their own accord, is irrelevant when you immediately begin singing along to the feeling. The siren voice of Alisa Xayalith (I originally thought this band featured a male lead using a chipmunk falsetto recently popularized by Michael Angelakos of Passion Pit) is really what makes this song unavoidably infectious, and if you think you can resist, just listen to her exclaim "eeeyeah" four times and try not to sing along. A smooth, synthy bass line drives the verse and gives way to the floating, pre-euphoric keyboards before the chorus ignites into a fireworks display of chimes and arena rock guitar; it delivers an instant high your ears will want more of.

The song also features fleeting periods of calm, like the bridge, which manages to slow your heart back down to the beat of the percussion while the voice of co-writer Thom Powers creates a feeling of reflection by lyric and sound. 2010 has been a long year often unfortunate year, and if ever there were a soundtrack for the final minute of this year, it would surely begin at the 2:08 mark. This minute is a chance to shed the past twelve months, the ups and downs, pains and joys, mistakes and triumphs, ("Count up all your mistakes, pair of forgivers. Let go before it's too late") in order to prepare for the coming renewal, signaled by the ball drop light explosion timed perfectly and serendipitously with the hook return at 3:05.  To me, this song is the sound of hope and a renewal of the spirit of youth, which is captured in such a beautiful, artistic, and fun video chronicle of young people revolting against time while simultaneously embracing it. It's the sound of the "bittersweet between my teeth," the sound of an old burden "as it withers...crumbles and breaks," the sound of "one temporary escape." In short, I love this song, and I want to dance to it surrounded with beloved friends on a rooftop during a sunset. I know, I'm supposed to dodging cliches on this blog (forgive me).  Give it a view and listen, then read the lyrics. The feeling of somber euphoria will mess with your heart and head: wrestle with it.

Happy New Year RDs! Here's to a blessed 2011.



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Monday, December 6, 2010

It's In The Water



Cee-lo Green of Gnarls Barkley and effective and poignant call-out song fame offers, with the help of his band of talented jungle cats, a true tribute to the Kings, which now joins the ranks of amazing KOL covers


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Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Pentagoons

If I told you that a lack of clear and comprehensive procedure combined with sheer incompetence within an enormous government bureaucracy with a bloated budget of billions of dollars resulted in the compromise of hundreds of thousands of pieces of sensitive data that should have never been exposed to the public, you'd think I'd be talking about the Internal Revenue Service and your tax returns, or the Department of Health and Human Services and the results of your recent colonoscopy (Obama can see those too!) or maybe even everyone's favorite federal agency, the TSA and those hawt death-ray enabled passenger porn pics, right?

Wrong.



With Republicans in control of the House there's no doubt one can soon expect this massive, classic Big Government Democrat pet project to be immediately de-funded, just like ACORN. I'm sure Darrell Issa is already planning hearings.


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Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Art of (Selling) War



This ad aired during Sunday's football fest (I saw it between watching my Eagles make Peyton their bitch) so as to ensure it would reach as many testosterone-fueled gamer-heads as possible. I'm not a Sensitive Susan but I'm going to exercise my right to bitch-blog and call shenanigans on this ridiculous and offensive commercial.

I understand the makers of Call of Duty (which is owned and published by venerated game-producer Activision) are obviously trying to sell their (impressive and addicting) product as the most realistic war simulation on the market. But in promoting this war GAME, one must take note of several important points: a) it's a GAME, b) we're still fighting the longest war in our nation's history that happens to also be one of the most brutal and tasking while having just concluded combat operations in another, equally grueling and costly war, c) we already live in a society where the wars we fight are largely ignored, either willingly or ignorantly, by the vast majority of the comfortable yuppie-class while America's low-income families send their sons and daughters to fight a determined enemy we can't even characterize correctly let alone locate on a map.

While Kobe Bryant and Jimmy Kimmel (??really??) smile satisfyingly at a downed helicopter or fumble comically over an RPG in order to sell a fun, exciting, really realistic war game to obese teenagers and lazy college students, America's heroes are being killed by RPG attacks on our Blackhawks in the Hindu Kush. Don't confuse me for someone who doesn't appreciate a good first-person shoot 'em upper. I'm currently working through 1994's classic Doom II again just for kicks; wasting alien hell-zombies with a double-barreled shotgun is fucking therapeutic. But no matter how realistic and/or epic and righteous Call of Duty or any other shooter game is, I would never, ever equate myself to a soldier, or claim my skillful hand-eye coordination in detonating a landmine would somehow make me a fine Marine. There is not a solider in all of us. If we were drafted to fight, we would fight, and most of us would do well given the best combat training in the world. But the fact remains that we did not volunteer. We stayed behind, and we benefit continually from the sacrifice of those who ran ahead. I don't want to launch into a rant about the glamorization of the perils and true costs of inglorious warfare (which certainly isn't a new phenomenon) but I have long felt a disconcerting disconnection between our contemporary society and the wars we (they) fight. The Greatest Generation included not only the brave young men fighting Over There, but the thoughtful and supportive populace back home for whom those men were fighting. They didn't just slap magnetic stickers on the back of their cars; they subjected themselves to food rations and recycled scrap metal for bombs. The circumstances of today's wars may not necessitate such similarly drastic sacrifices here at home, but that doesn't give us the luxury to ignore them, let alone conflate them with a damn video game. Playing war in the woods with twigs is part of growing up; now that we've grown, let's stop pretending we're soldiers (and equating our sports stars with them) and instead, on today of all days, solemnly honor those who actually are, unequivocally, warriors.



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Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The $200 Million Lie

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Doubtsourced
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical HumorRally to Restore Sanity

Here's the problem: while The Daily Show is making us laugh about Fox News egregiously and erroneously misreporting without performing standard journalistic practices something as ridiculous as how much a diplomatic presidential mission costs so as to paint this president as a splurging taxpayer-fucking don't-give-a-shit elitist xenophile, the millions upon millions of suckers who actually rely on Fox News as a legitimate source of journalistic analysis have bought the $200 million lie. Today, right now, the vast majority of Fox views (millions of people), still probably believe the president's trip to Asia actually cost $200 million a day, and most of those suckers are likely pretty pissed off about it.  Oh good for CNN politely tweaking Sean Hannity on his hyperbole, now all 437 of its viewers are better informed as a result. The problem is precisely this: the folks who watch The Daily Show aren't the folks who watch Fox News, and vice versa. And the folks who watch Fox News vote much more than the apathetic crybabies who watch The Daily Show. The people who are being fed lies such as "President Obama's trip to Asia is costing all of us $2 billion dollars" and base their vote on them are the very people who will never be reached by the unassuming, reluctant guardians of truth calling shenanigans. We used to call those people "journalists." Now we call them "comedians."

A message for comedian Glenn Beck from an inspired artist with an old new sound:



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Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Darrell Issa Plans To Investigate His Own Taste In Art


Congressman Darrell (it's pronounced Darrell but it's spelled Darrell) Issa is really busy planning hundreds of damning hearings into the anti-American activities of the Obama cabal that are sure to break the creeping tide of Sharia socialism in shock and awe fashion. Either that or he's staring longingly at his framed GOPoker porn, wishing he was cool enough to get invited to a game of Hold 'Em with ol' Gipper, Tricky Dick and the Taxcutters.  I'd like to meet the jackass staffer who saw that stupid Andy Thomas watercolor hanging in an M Street shop in Georgetown and thought it'd make a great addition to Rep. Issa's spank-it material office wall. To be fair, the Thomas painting with Democratic presidents engaging in similar old boys club dillywally is equally stupid, for the sole reason that venerated BAMF Andrew Jackson apparently feels cavalier enough to let his Smith & Wesson hang from the back of his chair like a D&G bag at a bar. Should've gone with Dogs Playing Poker.

Photo AP via Politico.

UPDATE 01/18/2011: The New Yorker confirms Issa has displayed both of the aforementioned Thomas presidential watercolors in his office, apparently to remind himself to "trust no Administration." Aww Darrell Issa, you're almost as cute as your stick-figure avatar.

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Monday, November 8, 2010

Masturbating Bear Couldn't Get A Visa



As a brown man, I for one am most pleased there were zero count it ZERO references to a Dell call center in Bangalore. Progress!

Conan tonight.


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Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Friday, October 29, 2010

Earnest Earl



This city is a punching bag for all the jackassery populism exhibited by poll-playing sluts in both parties. Our political system may be deeply flawed, especially within this District, but just remember there are good people who work here and inhabit this Hill. And so many of them do it for the right reasons.


Video does not embed in Facebook.


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Tuesday, October 26, 2010

I Do Believe In Spooks I Do I Do

Happy Halloween! A jack-o-lantern could be the next Speaker of the House!



My festive carving designed to keep bad spirits and GOP GOTV away from my neighborhood.


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Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Patriot Ghost of Jefferson Knocks Seal Off Obama's TelePrompter Overlord



"You all know who I am," Obama quipped to a bunch of uppity, "powerful" women who for some reason have jobs. To which they all, having been awoken by some metaphysical call to freedom, said, "who's this black guy?"

Clearly this is ominous foreshadowing to 2012.



Video does not embed in Facebook. But they still get a movie made about them.


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Monday, September 20, 2010

A Sixteen Year Wait Is Over



I have been a Devils fan since that heartbreaking, character-building Eastern Conference finals loss to Mark Messier's dirty blueshirts in 94. Since that time, I have amassed a collection of memorabilia ranging from banners, cards, sweaters, t-shirts, hats, a trash can, license plates, pennants, pucks, pins, pint glasses, and championship DVDs. But one prized possession has eluded me all these years and has not only adversely affected the appearance of devotion to my team but my very manhood itself. Now, thanks to my generous, wonderful cousins in Toronto, I can don the red robes of Satan and join Devils nation in unholy worship. And I shall sacrifice an infant farm animal to ensure that we sign this for fourteen years right next to #17.



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Senate Philosopher Ponders Infinite Universe



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Thursday, September 16, 2010

Look At That Camera Work. Oh And Try The Crumble Too!

RDs, I don't ask much of you, aside from the occasional foreign bank account wire (thank you Dmitri and Evgeny, bratʹya po oruzhiyu!). But today I ask a simple favor of you; watch this video featuring the lovely, the charming, the irreplaceable, the inimitable Marissa Bialecki aka Bon Appetit Foodie, then click on the video box to go to YouTube and "like" it. Forget about November; this is the only vote that you will make over the next few weeks that counts. I promise you riches beyond even the most exorbitant of Republican higher income bracket tax cuts.



I know things have been quiet here for a bit. Well, I suppose it can't always rain. But I'll be back at some point in the future when life is more enjoyable. Now GO VOTE! And come back tomorrow!


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Thursday, August 19, 2010

Godwin's Law Bites Back

"Nazis don't have the right to put up a sign next to the Holocaust museum in Washington."

"There should be no mosque near Ground Zero in New York so long as there are no churches or synagogues in Saudi Arabia."

-Newt Gingrich


"There will be a mosque in Rome only when a Roman Catholic church is permitted in Mecca."

-Benito Mussolini



According to his Newtness, it's high time America derived its values regarding religious freedom and tolerance not from those appeasers who wrote that silly Constitution but from the mighty House of Saud and European fascists. Okay?


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Thursday, August 5, 2010

"What God Do You Pray To?"

On that day, 3,000 people were killed because some murderous fanatics didn't want us to enjoy the freedoms to profess our own faiths, to speak our own minds, to follow our own dreams, and to live our own lives. Of all our precious freedoms, the most important may be the freedom to worship as we wish. And it is a freedom that even here -- in a city that is rooted in Dutch tolerance -- was hard-won over many years...

Whatever you may think of the proposed mosque and community center, lost in the heat of the debate has been a basic question: Should government attempt to deny private citizens the right to build a house of worship on private property based on their particular religion? That may happen in other countries, but we should never allow it to happen here.

This nation was founded on the principle that the government must never choose between religions or favor one over another. The World Trade Center site will forever hold a special place in our city, in our hearts. But we would be untrue to the best part of ourselves and who we are as New Yorkers and Americans if we said no to a mosque in lower Manhattan.

Let us not forget that Muslims were among those murdered on 9/11, and that our Muslim neighbors grieved with us as New Yorkers and as Americans. We would betray our values and play into our enemies' hands if we were to treat Muslims differently than anyone else. In fact, to cave to popular sentiment would be to hand a victory to the terrorists, and we should not stand for that...

On Sept. 11, 2001, thousands of first responders heroically rushed to the scene and saved tens of thousands of lives. More than 400 of those first responders did not make it out alive. In rushing into those burning buildings, not one of them asked, 'What God do you pray to?...

We do not honor their lives by denying the very constitutional rights they died protecting. We honor their lives by defending those rights and the freedoms that the terrorists attacked.
-Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg


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Wednesday, August 4, 2010

WWW.SHARRONANGLE.COM

And here it is folks, what the "conservative media" hath spawned:



Known Fox critic Carl "Morning Eyes" Cameron was naturally bemused with this elf-woman's assertion that his network ought to do a better job of promoting her own political aspirations, especially when the media has been soooo easy on Obama. Sure, conservatives are slapping their foreheads in disbelief at this crazy lady's rare moment of honesty, embarrassed that one of their own would so blatantly demand the same white gloves special treatment that they've accused liberals of securing through their vast, impenetrable cabal of media insiders, or whatever Glenn Beck is crying about today. But I for one will not allow Sharron Angle to be dismissed by anyone in her party as a mere amateur, despite all evidence that she clearly is an inept, in over her head naif. You bought it, you now own it.

You see, when Angle enjoyed an incredibly sizable lead over Politburo Vice-Premier Harry Reid a few months back, she was hailed as a citizen hero, leading the people's brigade against a despised symbol of corruption and unfreedom. Like with other mama grizzlies before her, Angle's "quirks," "isms," and "polishlessness" were unmistakable signs of realness and folksiness, something apparently very much lacking in the United States Senate despite Chuck Grassley. Now that it's clear this woman is crazier than ape excrement, the GOP and the NRSC are stuck with "a real American mom" (read: moron) who ever since Clinton got a hummer from that chubby girl has held Hannity viewing parties every week in her living room with the ladies from the God's Gals bridge club before deciding she'd make a fine State Assemblywoman and vote no on everything. Now she's running for the Senate to get the U.S. out of the UN and the gays out of each other and the party is pulling the collars off their necks with apprehension and the media is NOT being helpful, sheesh! Poor Sharron must have thought all this time that if she could only avoid the sabotaging liberal media, make it onto the No Spin Zone and nail all the softies, she'd finally be able to single-handedly eliminate Social Security, quit "spoiling" our citizens with Obama's jobless pimp money, and finally end our long national nightmare, or the Department of Education. What good is a right-wing news outlet if it won't do it's JOB?? Why won't Carl Cameron just ask Sharron Angle what her website is????


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Friday, July 30, 2010

I'd Like To Turn Her Pages

Take off this dust jacket and put it on anything you read (which is this book or the Bible).



I am not kidding: I want her so. fucking. bad.

Look at the bracelet. Look at it. Now back at her. Mmph. If she communicated only in whispers (as opposed to...), I'd have moved to Wasilla and gone rogue in her pants.


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Monday, July 26, 2010

Andy Rooney Is A Socialist Who Watches Porn At Night



Shame on ALL OF YOU, what with you wanting everything and stopping at nothing to get it while poor, brave Andy Rooney denies the simple pleasures of a woman!  Watch as he recounts his harrowing story of being forced by demonic tree-elves to stuff his old saggy face with LSD-laced chocolate chip cookies while the camera man he usually employs to tell him where he is caught the entire episode on tape! If only we had PILLS to desire that will tell our brains not to desire! Well someone should tell this kind talking pile of wood he need not fear, as Obama's "health care reform" is already funding the development of such magic medicine that will soon be disseminated into the water supply in order to sap the desires and unhealthy bourgeois motivations of all and finally create a Maoist utopia! Andy Rooney dreams. And watches "stuff" on the late night teevee that he's not "interested in." Sort of like America vis a vis Andy Rooney.

Hat tip: Warming Glow


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Friday, July 23, 2010

Shepard Is My Shepherd

RDs, it's a scary fucking world right now. The economy is broked, Lilo now has to get her drugs in prison, and Obama just forced everybody without a job into prostitution. Oh and his Agriculture Secretary is in the KKK, or something.

But fear not folks, because when I feel a paranoid schizophrenic panic attack coming on, I just pop some Dilaudid and turn on Fox News, where anchor Shepard Smith continues to voice the clarion call of reason in these whackadoodle times.

Via Politico:

"We on Studio B did not run [the abbreviated context-free video of Shirley Sherrod apparently being a bigoted bastard cuntface before actually being like, the total opposite of that] and did not reference the story in any way for many reasons,” Smith said. “Among them: We didn't know who shot it, we didn't know when it was shot, we didn't know the context of the statement, and because the history of the videos on the site where it was posted. In short-we did not and do not trust the source"

SNAP. Shep just took a big righteous steaming SHIT on Andrew Breitbart's stupid toilet face! Post a pic of THAT on Big Government you knucklefucking hackjob!

"Why am I such a festering, kinda British-looking douchenozzle?"

But that Smith actually performed his job according to the standards his industry once revered comes as no surprise to me. Shep has always been the only redeeming attribute of the "news" organization he is currently employed with.

What's truly fucking frightening is that Shepard Smith of Studio B on Fox News Channel is now, after this fauxsaga, the best journalist in America. Read that again. He's even better than Rachel Maddow, and that dude's won awards!

Lest you think the "conservative media" is going soft (gay), crawl up the ass and enter the mind of one Mr. Rush Limbaugh, who will have NONE of this Breitbart bus-throwing-under pussyfest.

"Even Fox caved on this," said the radio man after taking three Dilaudid. "Even poor old Shep Smith went down there and said that everybody's wrong on this, that Breitbart is wrong and so forth." AND SO FORTH!

"There are only a handful of us that have the guts to put this story straight [editor's note: NOT GAY]. If we don't hammer back, nobody will. We got a bunch of cowards in the conservative media inside the Beltway which will not deal with this honestly."

"This is about the continuing smearing of great patriotic Americans which is all the left has left to do," Limbaugh declared. "There's no racism in the Tea Party. They don't have racist signs."

Luckily, all the folks who were watching Fox News immediately turned off the teevee and switched on their radio macheens when Shepard took a liberal cumshot to the chest and refused to play the Sherrod tape so Jeff in Ohio could think of his next clever "not racist just true" sign (something like "SHIRLEY YOUR KIDDING???" with picture of Holocaust victims and "Typical White Person" written underneath. I'm good, no?). So America is saved? Not so fast and so forth!

"This [presumably, Obama] regime is tribalizing this country," Rush went on. "We aren't Americans anymore. We're all members of different racial tribes, and we are to be pitted against each other: Black Americans, White Americans, Asian Americans, Hispanic Americans. We're all being divided up racially, by tribes."

Which is of course to say Obama is an African. See? Even Rush out of context is Rush, unabridged.


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Friday, July 16, 2010

Team Carte

More original artwork because I'm inspired, this time by the newest, mintiest, deliciousiest member of Congress. World, meet Senator Carte Goodwin, D-Hottnesss:

Carte Goodwin, Senator D-Hottness

Mmmmm me wants me a piece of that in the cloak room. He can filibuster my pork barrel, that devil. Major props to Governor Joe Manchin of West Virginia for replacing such a stud like Byrd with a worthy sex toy with an appropriately unique and endearing newsanchor name. Seriously the last thing I needed was another distracting senator-on-senator (s-o-s) flame fantasy in which two sparkling new beautifully bronzed supermen of the people team up to write awesome bills and save the country in a pickup truck while suppressing the gaylove coursing through their elixir blood for me that eventually leads them to battle fiercely in a forest, each vying to drink my nectar and rebirth me as their own kind. Do I go with the shirtless wolfman Massacutie or the dreamy, perfect, mysterious, bloodlusting immortal mountaineer? Ughhh why must I choooose????


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Friday, July 9, 2010

We Are All Cleveland

My artsy dedication to the king of sellouts:

CHUMP

Did these guys make a "pact" in China? Fuck. that. To quote a great American, I hope he fails.

Go Cavs. Own your team, lift your city, win a ring before this royal jackass can find his perfect condo in South Beach.  To think, we all wanted to love him so badly.


This blog post is brought to you by Vitamin Water.


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Thursday, July 8, 2010

Piece Be With You

In quaint Louisiana, counties are called "parishes" and donuts (or "doughnuts" if you're a fake American) are "beignets" and pelicans are known as "oil ducks." Similarly, the proud people of the Gulf have for generations referred to prayer as "shootin' oil ducks with Jeebus." Up until now this charming, ancestral expression was but a metaphor for a profound acquaintance with the Almighty. Bobby fucking Jindal does not understand believe in metaphors. So he made a law that says now you can hide your guns under your gut when you go to church, or as they say in the bayou, "on the way to the MacDonalds." This was done evidently so that when the holographic smoke spirit of Satan inevitably infiltrates God's home base to cocksuck the souls out of the living and voodoo them into zombie socialists, this guy will be fucking ready.

But do not fret unarmed worshipers. Although the identities of these highly trained veterans of the Bible Brigade must remain undisclosed, pastors/head of religious institutions (but let's be serious there's like one Rabbi south of Shreveport) must inform the huddled, hitherto defenseless masses in the pews that an armed "security force" is on duty detailing the perimeter for any a'dem illegals. The bill's intention is to protect "houses of worship" in "declining neighborhoods" (or: full of black people) from "thieves and muggers" who apparently could not be stopped through worshiping in the first place SOME MESSIAH YOU GOT THERE LOSERS.

Already, gun-hating libtards have begun pelting burning effigies of Jindal with tar balls while shouting some nonsense about religion equating to non-violence and peace and love towards your fellow man and that an instrument of war which yields death ought not be presented before the ultimate purveyor of Life and Death yada yada whatever muslins deserve hot death. But that's Bobby fucking Jindal for ya, putting the piece in beati pacifici. Until Obama sues him.



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Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Minute 91

Fantastic 1-0 finish advances U.S.

"We embody what Americans are about. We can moan about [inexplicably, inexcusably terrible calls] or we can get on with it, and we kept going. We believe, man."

"We're not done yet."

-Landon Donovan


Landon Donovan catapulted the Americans from leaving the dance early to winning their group. With one goal.  Whenever I need a reminder of American resiliency, or whenever I just need to feel better, I will watch that golden goal in the 91st minute.


"We're not done yet."


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Thursday, June 17, 2010

Why I Love, Have Loved, and Always Will Love Joe Biden



How's that for a big mouth?  Joe Biden said exactly what the President feels but is too Vulcan to say.  And if the White House is smart, they'd get Biden a louder mic (for once).

And in related news, the three stooges issued a rebuttal to the same statement, so earnestly articulated by Joe "Sorry For The Shakedown" Barton, that Biden denounced above. Quick to point out that Republican members of Congress are in fact like, really in touch with real America, the GOP House leadership referred to the oil spill as a "natural disaster." A natural disaster. Just like a potential GOP-controlled House.

Hat tip @JakeTapper, ABC


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Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Carte Blanche

Here sorta Senator Blanche "Jinxy Minx" Lincoln of Arkansee speaks with an animated pumpkin of sorts.*  I'd make a $100 donation to the Bill Halter campaign** to know what's being said. Probably something like "There now, Aunty Blanche will get you your own derivative too." Consider the absent caption a blank card with which you may fill in whatever sexual fantasy you fancy.***



*-God bless our troops
**-no
***-teacher

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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Strike A Pose

Obama is depicted here gracing the Hill with his majestic presence, saying things like "Hey there" and "How are you." Meanwhile, third shift Capitol Police officer and part-time model got excited. Yo Darrell take it easy man. Put your guns away.

President Obama arrives at Capitol Hill to meet behind closed doors with the 41-member GOP Conference Tuesday.
AP Photo



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Wednesday, May 19, 2010

For The College Graduate

Starting your career in a troubled time is a challenge. But it is also a privilege. Because it's moments like these that force us to try harder, to dig deeper, and to discover gifts we never knew we had--to find the greatness that lies within each of us.
-President Barack Obama

From a graduation card my aunt and uncle gave me.

"So, don't ever shy away from that endeavor. Don't ever stop adding to your body of work."


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Mmm Mmm Good

During last night's exciting ACORN Vote Bowl, news of CNN anchor Campbell Brown's departure from the ratings-challenged network was released along with the identity of her replacement host, former New York governor Eliot Spitzer Dupree Mayflower Hookers. In tendering her resignation, Brown was refreshingly frank about her reasons for leaving the show of her namesake:

"The simple fact is that not enough people want to watch my program, and I owe it to myself and to CNN to get out of the way so that CNN can try something else."

Good for you Campbell. I've always been a fan of yours, even though I've never really listened to the words coming out of your mouth. You've always been the cougary Megyn Kelly, which is another way of saying I wouldn't know whether I'd want to bone you or just tape your tongue to the side of your mouth. Your fiery NO BULL I AM A SERIOUS REPORTER MMKAY? demeanor has always struck me as just painfully cute and endearing, like a middle-aged mom attempting to utilize her hitherto meaningless degree in English by writing novellas between chauffeuring the kids to lacrosse practice before yoga class. With your radiant smile, swept bangs brunette hair, your flawless porcelain skin, deep brown  eyes and your adorable squirrel cheeks, no man can help but fall in love with you immediately, mostly because you look like you would cook us something if we were hungry.  You are a piece Campbell Brown.  So much so that I have declared thee our third Attractive (I suppose former) Anchor & Cutie Correspondent honoree. You have joined good company.  God bless you darling. I will miss not watching you.



Rawr.




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Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Homeless Man Defeats Senile Census Worker

In Pennslabama.

Rep. Joe Sestak knocks longtime Sen. Arlen Specter out of the Dem primary in Pa. | Reuters Photo

Meanwhile in Kentucky, boy wonder charms hearts and minds of highly educated wealthy elite.

Dimocracy is awesome.

Rand Paul speaks to reporters.



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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Things Fall Apart

Like,

My new electric razor (fixed)
My new pants (returned)
My old pants (hopefully fixed soon)
My shoe sole (irreparable?)
My watch (battery)
My umbrella (tornado. almost)
My grill (another tornado. sort of)
My check card (crack)
My SmarTrip card (crack)
My car (head gasket)
My team (sigh)

And yet I am grateful for all that is still holding together.


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Monday, May 10, 2010

Obama Uses Lincoln Letters As Toilet Paper

You will recall a few months back how SR, in coordination with Professor Glenn Beck of Yale University, leaked to the world at our own danger a picture of Obamer virtually spitting on the graves of American soldiers. I'm talking of course about his blatant disrespect of the Resolute desk, an American treasure, which he brutally subjected to the heels of his tyrant boots without regard.

WELL LOOK NOW.


No, your eyes do not deceive you. Obama is shown here farting on the cherished, sacred desk used by every American president since Jesus while Larry Summers sings "Strangers In The Night" and Rahm Emmanuel concentrates on remembering the image so he can use it later for "Rahm time."

IS THIS STEWARDSHIP????

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Thursday, May 6, 2010

Go Fuck Yourself, San Diego

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It's also necessary to point out that Rick congratulates Blitzer for another solid run of The Sitch before it airs after his show.  Aww Rick can't help it he's just so nervous around Wolf hehehe his tongue goes silly! Either that or he caught a reflection of his hair in the teleprompter. That always gets Tony Harris all flustered.


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Monday, May 3, 2010

This Clown's Got Jokes

Dance monkey! I mean like, not in a racist way. Or anything.



macaca.



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Friday, April 30, 2010

Airplanes

Everyone knows my love for Hayley knows no bounds. Neither does her ability to move me. Oh and this guy's pretty good too.




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Sunday, April 25, 2010

Seven Reasons Why This One Hurt

Springtime is no longer has happy as it was mere weeks ago. Not just because of crippling allergy attacks, but because my hockey team has been unceremoniously dismissed from the playoffs and any chance of glory.  Allow me to detail why this sucked:

1. Swift end to promising season

Although it was shocking to see this team go down to the seventh seed in just five games, astute Devils fans started to really sense trouble back at the start of the year, when the team that rolled to a 28-10-1 start in 2009 suddenly hit a wall, going .500 in January and 2-4-1 in February, their first losing month since October 2007.  The team that was able to keep pace with the rocket-strapped Capitals quickly fell behind in the Eastern arms race, using its fast start as a cushion against Pittsburgh's weak start and barely eeking out an Atlantic Division championship.  Although the acquisition of Kovalchuk fired up the fans, the on-ice magic was much more subdued (which is not to say his presence did not help as he notched 10 goals, 17 assists and was a plus-9 in 27 games).  Lameriello thought he had a championship-caliber team on his hands (as evidenced by the Kovalchuk trade). Alas.

2. End of the short-lived Kovalchuk Era

Sure, we don't know this for sure. But given the fact that the Russian sniper was essentially a loaner player for a long playoff push, and the fact that he left his first team because they weren't willing to match his salary demands (something Lou Lamoriello may have trouble doing as well), it seems the first bonafide offensive superstar to play in New Jersey in several seasons (no offense to Mr. Parise who will soon join the ranks of the truly elite scorers) will leave town for greener (read: money) pastures.
I see him fitting in nicely with Montreal or Los Angeles or perhaps Boston. Either way, I hope we sign this guy before parting with him so that we can at least get something in return. Like a wise man once said, Kovy is a fucking valuable thing and you don't just give it away for nothing.

3. Third first round exit in three years

As the top seed, no less. We expect better. Enough said.

4. The fucking Flyers

The hated down-the-Turnpike division rivals. Since rallying back from a 3-1 deficit in the Eastern Conference Finals in 2000 on our way to our second Cup win (a series that will forever be a part of Devils lore), the Flyers have handed us two first round five game exits.  I hate this team.  Add the fact that we lost to the fucking Rangers two years ago and the fucking Hurricanes, who have become somewhat of a playoff rival as of late, the past two years and I'm about ready to break someone's nose.


5. No jelly jar heroics

After a lackluster 4-1 loss in Philadelphia in Game 4, Lamoriello stormed into the visitor locker room and berated his underachieving team with a fiery I Expect Better From you speech.  At some point during this impassioned speech, the Hall of Fame general manager grabbed a jar of jelly from the post-game food spread and smashed it onto the locker room floor.  It was exactly what the doctor ordered; a kick in the ass from the Boss, an introspective moment that should have united the team and inspired them to play better and live up to the expectations of the fans, their coach, their beloved GM, and most importantly, themselves.  It could have signaled the start of a new rallying cry in New Jersey every playoffs, akin to Detroit's octopus (though tossing a jelly jar onto the ice might not have been the best thing to encourage).  Instead, the jelly jar incident just became another image of a team so lost, frustrated, and hapless under the weight of huge expectations.

6. Marty ain't no spring chicken

As much as Devils fans are reluctant to come to terms with it, the reign of Martin Brodeur as the best goaltender in the NHL is coming to an end. Not because any other goaltender in the league is better, but rather because the 37 year old future Hall of Famer around whom this team has been built since 1993 is surely set to retire within the next three or so years. It'll be hard to imagine this team without the player who has given us a reason to compete every single season since I was five years old. Every year Martin bows out this time of year is one less possible chance for a final crowning achievement, his fourth Stanley Cup ring.

7. Beckoning age of mediocrity?

A sobering thought has crept into my mind over these past three disappointing years. As a 22 year old Devils fan, I have really only known success and high expectations. Don't get me wrong, I have known heartbreak. I have seen failure. But as a young fan, I've seen my team win three Stanley Cups in four finals appearances, countless division titles, annual playoff appearances with the exception of just two seasons, and year after year of competitive hockey out of New Jersey.  But as the backbone of our team set to retire soon, and the best GM in all of sports likely to accompany him shortly afterwards, it begs the question: have the Devils entered another age of mediocrity not seen since the 1980s?  Will this team be mired in the land of low seeds and first round losses, if not consecutive seasons of not making it to the post-season. I shudder to think.

As much as this season's early end may have sucked for the reasons above, it may have a silver lining: I have no doubt Lameriello is planning a major overhaul of the team this off-season.  And though this might force us to part ways with some of my favorite players, it also exciting to bring fresh faces to the team. In the face of heartbreak, I remain hopeful.


GO DEVILS


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Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Dan Carcillo Is A Little Bitch

And he should be playing midfield for Real Madrid.

The little fuck managed to score the game winning goal on Sunday. I have faith that the Hockey Gods will restore balance to the universe and punish this behavior unbecoming of an NHLer, not to mention a man. First Sean Avery, now this tulip:



GO DEVILS.



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Sunday, April 18, 2010

America & China Both Have Stars On Their Flags

Just saying. You decide.

If I didn't have Jon Stewart to make me laugh over things like this, I would just cry. I would just cry a lot.

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Friday, April 16, 2010

A Human Right

This is a short story about a woman in Washington state by the name of Janice Langbehn who lost her partner, Lisa, while unable to be at her bedside. A glimpse into just how wonky bureaucratic federal memorandums can actually, tangibly, and in this case, spiritually affect every day citizens:
Well it is no joke from the days of the West Wing that if POTUS calls, you take it. Fortunately today I had a small window of a heads up from Lambda Legal -- those people who have been in this fight for dignity since nearly the beginning.

And sure enough at 4:32 Pacific time, my cell rings, it says unknown -- I was briefed to expect that -- b/c what does the phone from Air Force 1 actually come up as? A gentleman introduced himself and asked if I had time to speak with the President. This is where I had been coached to not assume it was a crank call or a telemarketer. And sure enough the next voice I heard was the President himself. Humility surrounds me and the next 3 minutes of my life. For the past 3 years I have been speaking at large and small events -- posting here on the blog and have been saying over and over -- that holding someone's hand as they die is NOT a GAY right it's a HUMAN right -- and today -- President Barack Obama agreed with me. He knew Lisa's name, and he knew our story and offered the long awaited apology -- that Jackson Memorial STILL refuses to give -- why is that? -- the President could.

In those short minutes of speaking with our President, it was clear he got the issue, and now in reading his memorandum, he understood what happened to Lisa, the kids and I was wrong on many level - especially on the HUMAN level. None of this brings Lisa back. But what it does do -- for the next gay couple -- is that hopefully if your partner is dying you wont be locked behind a door for 8 hours as they slip from this earth and not be allowed to say goodbye.

From the Presidential Memorandum:
There are few moments in our lives that call for greater compassion and companionship than when a loved one is admitted to the hospital. In these hours of need and moments of pain and anxiety, all of us would hope to have a hand to hold, a shoulder on which to lean -- a loved one to be there for us, as we would be there for them.

Yet every day, all across America, patients are denied the kindnesses and caring of a loved one at their sides -- whether in a sudden medical emergency or a prolonged hospital stay. Often, a widow or widower with no children is denied the support and comfort of a good friend. Members of religious orders are sometimes unable to choose someone other than an immediate family member to visit them and make medical decisions on their behalf. Also uniquely affected are gay and lesbian Americans who are often barred from the bedsides of the partners with whom they may have spent decades of their lives -- unable to be there for the person they love, and unable to act as a legal surrogate if their partner is incapacitated.

For all of these Americans, the failure to have their wishes respected concerning who may visit them or make medical decisions on their behalf has real onsequences. It means that doctors and nurses do not always have the best information about patients' medications and medical histories and that friends and certain family members are unable to serve as intermediaries to help communicate patients' needs. It means that a stressful and at times terrifying experience for patients is senselessly compounded by indignity and unfairness. And it means that all too often, people are made to suffer or even to pass away alone, denied the comfort of companionship in their final moments while a loved one is left worrying and pacing down the hall.

For eight years we heard a lot about compassionate conservatism. This is compassion I can believe in.

Via The Two-Way.


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Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Chasing Glory

Spring is in the air, and I don't know about you, but the smell of freshly cut grass (which I consider the happiest scent in the world) reminds me of my beautiful old backyard in Delaware, drinks on decks, sunsets, and the STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS.

The 2-seed Devils are taking on the hated down Turnpike rivals in Philly for the third time this decade (they're currently trailing 2-0 in Game 1 in the 3rd). Hopefully this series will be more 2001 and less 2004. And for the love of God (or the Devil) please don't let it be anything like 2009. Maybe our new toy will help us avert that fate.


"I want to win. I don't care about anything else."
-Ilya Kovalchuk





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Monday, April 12, 2010

Haley Barbour Hasn't Time For Nit

I am an uncultured slug, which is why I had no idea that in the Great Dixie, the word "diddly" is actually a Gaellic-derived concept without an exact Northern translation that essentially means "large historical paradigm which profoundly affects and defines society as a whole." Like the systematic, institutionalized enslavement of an entire race of human beings! Kewl!

The chairman of the Republican Governors Association (NAACP) Mississippi Governor Haley Michael Steele Barbour stood up for states' rights and the ghost of Robert E. Lee's horse by defending the seemingly indefensible; Virginia Governor Bob Thesis McDonnell's omission of slavery in his recent Confederate History Month proclamation.



Via CNN:

Responding to allegations that McDonnell’s omission was insensitive, Barbour said, "To me, it's a sort of feeling that it's a nit. That it is not significant, that it's not a – it's trying to make a big deal out of something doesn't amount to diddly."

"I don’t know what you would say about slavery," Barbour told CNN Chief Political Correspondent Candy Crowley, "but anybody who thinks that slavery is a bad thing – I think goes without saying."

Hear hear! No one needs to be reminded about things that clearly no one needs to be reminded of. Let's whitewash (pun!) history and talk about the good stuff, like Volkswagens and family reunions.  Anybody who would say the Rwandan genocide or Two And a Half Men are bad things that our kids need to be taught about lest they and their posterity commit the same sins as their fathers, well that person would be a damn fool because that's just obvious! It's not like we've ever repeated a mistake.


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Friday, April 9, 2010

Dropping Truth Nukes

Why, you might ask, is our modern political discourse incapable of accommodating nuanced, balanced, "third way" policy solutions to age-old problems?

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I love when the right, in granting glory to the name Reagan, inadvertently pees on it.

Speaking of a cocky young president:



Best thing he's ever said. Hands down. The best.  Still, his omission of slavery was glaring.


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Veritas

Context & perspective have no place in professional journalism. God forbid the citizenry not have a readily available outlet for their pent up reactionary anger and outrage.

Maddow isn't attempting to give ACORN a fresh coat of paint by redeclaring it a bastion of all that is good and right. Rather, the point of the following exercise is to examine how far what we consider journalistic standards today have strayed from actual, ethical, academic, and yes, truthful standards that journalists currently one bad week away from a pink slip were once taught.




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