Monday, January 12, 2009

Joe the [Insert Occupation Here]

Say it ain't so, Joe.

You all remember Samuel "Joe" Wurzelbacher, the self-made everyman from Toledo, OH who famously informed then Senator Barack Obama he was purchasing a business he couldn't afford and asked for a tax cut he didn't deserve. And surely you remember when then desperate Senator John "The Mav" McCain and his Klondike Komrade Lipstick Palin reached down their real American hands and plucked Mr. Wurzelbacher from the crowd of regulars and made him a anti-big government, anti-socialism, anti-anti-American American hero, proving that all of us, even tax-evaders and the tragically ill-informed, have the right to hijack the national media in defense of What We Believe In.

Well now that same ol' Joe is making a career move.

Into journalism.

"I think media should be abolished from, you know, reporting,” Wurzelbacher said. “You know, war is hell. And if you’re gonna sit there and say, 'well, look at this atrocity,' well you don’t know the whole story behind it half the time, so I think the media should have no business in it."

Well spoken, Joe. The media, that liberal, terrorist-aiding, freedom-hating bastion of tattertales needn't cover warfare anywhere, between anyone, any time. Ever. What need be studied, analyzed, and understood less than human conflict? Nothing.

Of course, this meshes well with Joe's outlook on the World He Knows.

Wurzelbacher, in a possible attempt to evade the IRS, arrived in Israel on Sunday to start a 10-day assignment for, a Web site run by the conservative media outlet Pajamas Media. The plumber/journalist/McCarthyite told reporters in Sderot that he wanted to cover Israel's side of the recent Gaza conflict because according to him, major media outlets were making it out to seem like "Israel’s being bad."

(To be fair to Joe, last week I saw Wolf Blitzer stare directly into the camera during The Situation Room, wave his finger and say sternly, "Bad Israel, baaaaaad," while Anderson shook his head disapprovingly behind him. Later, Campbell Brown slapped a Star of David with a rolled-up copy of The New York Times.)

So in keeping with what meshes with Joe's World View, in which the media should be banned from covering all war, Joe is going to Israel to....cover the war?

That's right, Joe the Plumber, Regular Citizen Hero, is now corresponding from Israel in order to properly spin, er, portray the conflict in its true light; Israel, in its righteous battle against Terror, is busting down doors and taking down names, smokin' out the evildoers from their Gaza duplexes and rounding up wanted terror-makers like cattle while spreading love and good cheer to good and benevolent Palestinians everywhere.

Joe says he's a “peace-loving man,” but that "when someone hits me, I'm going to unload on the boy.”

It's what Gandhi struggled to say.

On one of his first assignments, Joe got a real, unskewed, un-liberal-media-filtered perspective of the war; a rocket attack.

"I’m in the bunker, I’m sitting there angry, outright furious, that I’m letting this terrorist dictate what I’m going to do because they’re firing missiles," Wurzelbacher said. "It was fear at first, then outright anger, and then me wanting some kind of retribution. I’m not a person that runs from things, but when it’s a missile, you run."

America understands why you ran Joe.

But why stop there Joe? Why stop running? How can you return to your normal life in Ohio since you were so inconsiderately and unfairly thrust onto stage by that nefarious Barack Obama? Why stop when obviously there is a greater calling for you then just household sink repair and professional journalism?

Why not join Doctors Without Borders and perform neurosurgery for impoverished Sudanese children?

Why not found a school? The Samuel J. Wurzelbacher Institute of Opportunism. Sounds prestigious.

And make sure you write a memoir: "Joe. Unclogged and Unplugged." I know an agent who can get you set up.

The opportunities, I mean, God-mandated duties, abound for you dear Joe. But for now, keep fighting the good fight. Continue to dutifully and responsibly cover the war you were born to cover. And keep running from those missiles, Joe. It may feel like they're winning, but they can never beat you.

Speaking of running, I wonder if anyone has purchased yet...


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. You know, if he keeps this up, he's going to reach that bracket where Obama taxes might actually affect him.

    You really have to appreciate the absurdity of Joe's unqualified opportunism for its ability to stand strong at the end of a decade that saw a hockey mom who didn't own a passport until her mid-40s run for the vice presidency.