Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Unum Annum

My oh my what a year it has been! Second Rain has achieved what Jon Gosselin and Hailey Glassman unfortunately never could despite my weekly prayer circles: a one year anniversary! That's right RDs, the rain has been pouring here for a whole year now and is showing no signs of abating. Hopefully by now you have managed to get somewhat clean. The following timeline presents 2009: A Year in Review; headlines and events of the past year as seen from the eyes of yours truly here at SR.  Enjoy.

January 5: Second Rain debuts, offering witty analysis of and forward-thinking insight into life, art, politics, nothingness, and allness.
January 11: Emboldened by playoff win over New York Giants, SR declares Philadelphia Eagles unbeatable.
January 18: Eagles beaten.
January 18: SR praises Rep. Eric Cantor's candid, reasoned approach to stimulus legislation, believes GOP will seek to work with new president rather than obstruct.
Several Weeks Later: WTF?
January 20: Barack Hussein Obama sworn in as 44th President of the United States of America.
January 21: United States of America effectively dismantled.
January 23: Sophomore Laura Treanor passes away. GW mourns.
January 25: SR debuts new monthly series with first installment of AA-CC.
Several Months Later: Second and third installment of AA-CC runs.
February 2: In light of Crossgate, SR contributor/editor/sole operator/CEO Eshawn Rawlley attempts to offer measured response in the hopes of achieving greater clarity and harmony. Results inconclusive.
February 4: President Obama reveals penchant for nominating tax cheats, proving his criminal malice and Chicago hardball mob-rolling style. Also on this day, President demonstrates humiliating weakness, admits mistake.
February 6: SR contributor/editor/sole operator/lonely parasite Eshawn Rawlley issues captivating account from inside the world of the Dittoheads.
February 24: SR contributor/editor/sole operator/blogger tool Eshawn Rawlley turns 21, enjoys quiet evening.
March 2: Rawlley's self-righteous rantings printed in Hatchet again.
March 6: DOW Jones hits 15 year low of 11.5 points. Or something.
March 20: Rawlley finally STFU.
March 21: Comes back.
April 5: President Obama gets rid of every nuclear weapon there is.
April 10: Licks the Saudi king's balls.
April 12: Gets dog who licks own balls.
April 13: Is kicked in the balls by ASU.
April 14: Single-handedly cuts off pirates' testicles.
April 28: Benefits of chalk espoused, Whoopi Goldberg declared egregious.
Several Months Later: Whoopi Goldberg's egregiousness explained.
April 29: 100th day of Obama Presidency marked by mass civil unrest, deadly neurovirus outbreak.
May 14: Obama has balls licked by adoring ASU graduating class.
May 15: Nancy Pelosi claims secretive, mysterious, shadow agency misled her.  Dick Cheney continues to be wrong.
May 20: Frustratingly inept and cowardly Congress politicizes Gitmo detainee transfer. Tiny but mighty town of Hardin, MT steps up.
Several Months Later: Is rewarded with ninjas.
May 22: Conservative radio shock-jock Eric "Mancow" Muller volunteers himself for waterboarding to prove its lack of tortureyness.  Is proven wrong.
May 28: President Obama, in true fashion, nominates h-core racist pig to SCOTUS.
June 9: SR undergoes minor elective cosmetic surgery. Results decidedly more Ashlee Simpson than Tara Reid.
June 12: Pittsburgh Penguins win Stanley Cup. Beer washed out of Cup during celebration for Sidney Crosby's chocolate milk.
June 14: Purple team wins NBA trophy.
June 16: President Obama commits vicious act of murder, pardons self.
June 20: Iran into the streets.
June 24: "Hiking the Appalachian Trail" firmly ensconced as euphemism for extramarital sex.
June 26: World mourns passing of legend.  The King of Pop, John Mayer, performs tremendously at Michael Jackson's funeral.  Governor of South Carolina eternally grateful for timely demise.
July 3: Governor of Alaska wishes Real America a Happy America Day andquitstoo. Governor of Minnesota eternally grateful for timely demise.
July 6: His state, in keeping with time-honored tradition, (finally) elects clown to Senate.
July 8: SR mail room operator Eshawn Rawlley passes calculus, gathers remnants of soul.
July 20: Nation fully enthralled by teabagging. Anti-immigrant group Dirty Sanchez seeks to emulate success.
July 28: SR formally apologizes to Rep. Michele Bachmann.  Universe implodes.
July 28 1/2: Obama saves universe.
July 29: Glenn Beck (and his advertising revenue) implodes.
July 29 1/2: Fox News saves Glenn Beck.
August 19: SR reports from Los Angeles, California.
August 25: Senator Edward Kennedy passes, is laid to rest beside brothers.  Nation pays respects.
August 30: SR rebuts Whole Foods Care. Health care something something.
September 6: President Obama infiltrates minds of children, plants time-triggered brainbombs.
September 8: SR High Commissioner Eshawn Rawlley tells Andrew Clark to STFU.
September 12: Real America takes Washington.
September 15: President Obama confers honorary Jackass status upon Kanye West. Terry Moran one-ups West.
October 2: Conservatives rejoice over Fake America's lost Olympic bid, thank Obama for sucking.
October 29: President Obama visits DAFB, pays respects to fallen warriors.
November 7: WRGW & SAC present first ever Live at the Fishbowl.
One Month Later: Success repeated.
November 20: SR hosts first ever caption contest. Winner Laura Feigin yet to receive prize.
December 3: GW euphorically revels in victory over George Mason in epic and epically fabricated Battle of the Orange Line. George Mason continues to go about normal everyday campus life.
December 5: First ever GW LIVE, hosted by Imran & Eshawn, scores success.
December 16: SR intern Eshawn Rawlley concludes undergraduate work, drinks beer, sighs.
December 28: Rawlley manages to graduate, drinks beer(s), sleeps.
December 31: World hopefully awaits new year, collectively prays for significantly less confusing decade.

And that was the year 2009, a whirlwind, thrilling, exciting, depressing twelve months.  Here's to another twelve, and more. Happy New Year Raindancers.  May 2010 be blessed, prosperous, and most of all, wet.

Step into the rain: secondrain.blogspot.com


  1. Lots of balls being licked on this blog.

  2. I'm sorry I missed out on those prayer circles for Hailey and Jon! Thought those crazy kids were gonna make it, aw shucks. Anyway, what a crazy year indeed. Keep blogging and slogging away, my love.